In Spring, Life is renewed again, Reborn.

“Spring is the season of birth. In the gust of her birth waters, the spring floods, the Great Earth Mother brings forth new life again. Summer, the warm season, is the time of growth and increase. Winter is the ‘little death’. In spring, life is renewed again, reborn.”

It’s funny how on the internet, people only broadcast the positive aspects of their lives, where as in real life, people seemingly never stop complaining.

In the last (almost) year, My life has gone through extreme radical change. I started this blog to “find my way” to where I wanted to be in life. Somehow, as if by magic, I have ended up exactly where I wanted to be.  My life isn’t perfect by any means. I still struggle with the most basic of “keeping your $#@ together” life skills. I’m a bad driver, I’m always late, and most of my clothes are too worn out and should be thrown away.

However, I wake up every morning in the midst of a fairy land, with three happy children and a wonderful man. One year ago, I never thought I’d get here, and now, Just by virtue of being myself, I’ve arrived.

 

The Little Death

In my all time favorite series of books, I distinctly remember this conversation the main character had about winter. They call winter the little death. Even people, they said, sleep more and talk less.  This has been popping up in my subconscious a lot lately.

I think that maybe for awhile, I’ve been having a personal “little death”.  Things shut down, died, and went to sleep.  I think I’m at peace with this. It is all ok, because without the little death, there can be no spring awakening.

I think I might be ready to wake up now.

I am thankful for my hard life.

I have tried several times to concoct some politically correct and dinner table appropriate statement to describe what I am most thankful for this year. I never did manage to come up with anything that felt true in my heart. The things I’m most thank for aren’t really pleasant things, and they certainly aren’t dinner table appropriate.

Ever since I was a child, my life has been full of the kind of trials that taken individually, would have been the worst moment of anyone’s life.

That is the biggest blessing God could have ever given me.

Through my trials, I have learned that even in the most horrible circumstances God’s love is real and is there. I have been blessed with the strength to make my way through almost any situation, and to see a clear path to better my life. I know that even if no one else seems too God is right there with me, wanting all good things for me.

Through my mistakes, and the mistakes of others that I’ve experienced, I’ve learned empathy and understanding for people who are making bad decisions or who are victims of the bad decisions of others. I’ve been blessed with the ability to love them and to want them to move down the right path.

Through the poverty and hardships I’ve experienced, I never grew desire for material wealth, popularity, or physical appearance. It did however give me an appreciation for hard work, a love of doing things for others, and the knowledge that life is worth more and is better spent when you are close to the earth and right with God.

My hard life has done more for me than I could have ever experienced if I grew up in a 2 parent middle-income household, and I cannot even begin to describe how thankful to God I am for that.

Sometimes All You Can Do Is

I have decided, the best course of action for this blog and for my life is to start fresh.  The past year, past several years really, are all not something I care to dwell on or think about.  Soon enough that chapter will be over.

The new chapter is much more exciting.

Man Plans, God Laughs.

I’ve always really appreciated that phrase. It goes right along with my personal mantra. “Life is a journey, not a destination”. There is no end goal to my life. I’ve got a lot of little goals, though.

Sometimes when I compare my life to the lives of others (don’t do this!) I think that my path has been significantly harder than theirs. Maybe it hasn’t though. Maybe my life just has more lessons in it.

If you think of this journey as a class room, the people with a so-called “bird” class don’t really get as much out of their studies as those in a class where the teacher challenges them. Constantly outperforming my own personal best is what makes me who I am.

I started this blog  a little more than one year ago thinking that I had all my ducks in a row to really “get somewhere”.  Silly Me. There is no “somewhere” there’s only learning, trying, doing.

Many of my lifelong dreams are looking impossible these days, and it’s extremely difficult to imagine a future without them. I have to constantly remind myself that just because one aspect of my life fails does not mean that all other aspects of my life will not pan out.

I am going through a separation. It is horrible and hard and lonely. It’s wonderfully freeing and terrifying all at the same time.  It has also made me question and worry over a lot of my life’s dreams.

I do not need a list of things that I know are gone from my life, or a list of all the reasons I’m making this transition.  Life is constantly moving, shifting, changing. There is NOTHING that I cannot do or have or become in the future.

I will find my place of happiness. No matter what I have to go through to get there.

Someday: Hoop House

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Wouldn’t it be amazing if I had every vegetable you could buy from the grocery store, grown it in my backyard?  With a hoop house, that could be entirely possible.

I’d want to start with a very small hoop house, worth about $300.00. In the summer I could start seeds in it, and increase production by having plants start earlier in the season and last longer. In the winter I could set up a divider and use half to grow greens on, and keep chickens in the other half with deep bedding. The chickens would heal the soil and compost it all at once.  A lovely little cycle.

Cheapest/smallest greenhouse I’ve found: $350

Tables for inside the greenhouse: ($3 tables at walmart, whaattt?) $10

Chicken wire & 2/4′s for winter divider: $30

Total cost $390

Someday: Orchard/Bush/Vine area

Thanks to the wonderful website run by The Arbor Day Foundation,  Creating an orchard plan is a snap (and SO CHEAP!). For $10 you can become a member of the foundation, and then you are entitled to 50% discounts on trees!

Here’s my wish list:

Trees:

Apple, Early Harvest $11 (1)
Grows to 20′ with to 20′ spread

Apple, Red Delicious $11 (1)
Grows to 20′ with to 20′ spread

Apricot, Early Golden $11 (2)
Grows to 20′ with to 20′ spread

Cherry, Black Tartarian $13 (2)
Grows to 20′ with to 20′ spread

Maple, Sugar $8 (2)
Grows 60′ to 75′ high with 40 to 50′ spread

Peach, Golden Jubilee $11 (2)
Grows to 20′ with to 20′ spread

Pear, Kieffer $13  (2)
Grows to 15′ to 30′ tall with 12′ to 20′ spread

Plum, Damson $11 (1)
Grows to 10′ to 20′ with 10′ to 20′ spread

Plum, Methley $11 (1)
Grows to 10′ to 20′ with 10′ to 20′ spread

Walnut, Carpathian English $13 (2)
Grows 40′ to 60′ Tall with a 40′ to 60′ Spread

Willow, Weeping $8 (1)
Grows 30′ to 40′ High with 35′ Spread

Bushes/Vines/Ect:

Hazelnut, American $7 (2)
Nut Shrub, Grows up to 18′ with 12′ Spread

Blueberries, from seed $0 (?)
Grows 3′ to 4′ High with 4′ Spread

Rasberry/Blackberry, From the woods $0 (?)
Planted as Hedgerow 3′ to 4′ High with 3′ Spread

Grape Vine, Cutting from Aunt $0 (2)
Planted in Archway/Arbor

Total Cost $212

The plan of where to plant all this goodness again depends on what kind of land I end up with and the space I have to work with.  What I would REALLY like to do is have a lane on my property with the fruit trees on either side of it,  like the picture above

Something like this:

Apple        Apple
Apricot        Apricot
Cherry        Cherry
Peach        Peach
Pear        Pear
Plum        Plum

The other trees, (Willow, Walnut and Maple) would be in other, more strategic locations for future gigantic trees.

The bushes/vines would have their own favored locations. Maybe nuts on the side of the house, Arbor as an entrance of sorts to the garden and Berry canes tend to grow REALLY well on the edge  between the woods & field, so I’d want to find something like that.

Pest Control Plan:

I am currently researching the relationship between Honey Bees and other insects.  I’ve found that bumble bees and wasps are very very defensive of their nesting area and will chase off anyone (insect or human) that enters their space. Obviously my bees won’t be chasing ME off, but it would be really cool if the species of bees I got to pollinate my orchard/garden would also help ward off pests.

I am a huge HUGE fan of bats. We used to have a lot of bats in the neighborhood where I grew up and I don’t find them creepy or gross at all. Lying in your grass at twilight and watching them eat the bugs out of the air is fascinating.  I look forward to the day when I can experience that again.

I want to have a symbiotic relationship on my farm where nature (mostly) takes care of itself.  I’m not interested in a HUGE crop of PERFECT fruit.  I’m interested in natural fruit.  Fruit without a whole lot of intervention.  Mostly nature.